Broddle News letters

Broddle news
Broddling news letters

There has been a long and very well documented history of power struggles between The Flounder of the Broddle, Joe the Toe (A.K.A. Chief Broddle) and relative newcomer Lead (as in heavy!) Broddle. Some of these power struggles were long before Chief Comms built this Broddling utopia web site. Therefore, please find below some previous Broddling correspondance news letters for posterity!

A letter from Joe the Toe regarding our 2012 Xmas Broddle organised and arranged by Lead Broddle

Fellow Broddlers (including apprentice section),
I will start with the positive comments I have received regarding the Xmas Broddle.
There have been rave reviews about the senior broddlers with guest broddlers commenting upon their exemplorary behaviour and maturity.
The display and usage of their natural ( legal ) sticks was very well received.
Special mention here for the Bean broddling pair. The festive illuminations were spectacular and a very wise safety feature.
I must now come to the negatives.
1. Guests were not made aware that this event was an unofficial broddle. They were concerned that a minor broddler (from the apprentice section) had the audacity to give the impression that the broddlewas officially sanctioned.
2. The route was reported to be unsuitable by most guests and that insufficient consideration had been given to the vast amounts of precipitation experienced in this location over the past few weeks………inexperience is NOT an excuse in this important planning matter.
3.  Inappropriate headgear covered in grafiti……this may be acceptable in Purston Jaglin but please refrain on future official broddles. I have decided to confiscate the offending garment to be utilised as a stick cleaner for senior broddlers.
4. Continuing use of illegal stickage. The item in question is unsafe and unsightly. Many participants were dismayed at this ugly rod.
5. The late start was a farse. Broddling groups are well known for their punctuality.
6. French fried potatoes at 25 pence each is outrageous !!! I would expect a first year apprentice to research catering concerns with much greater gusto. Potential local broddling pensioners are now having second thoughts.
7. Reports have reached me that the apprentice section was found to be incoherant later that Friday evening. There were also sightings of the same apprentice section performing illegal urination activities along Pontefract Road together with obnoxious singing and shouting. …….this behaviour MUST stop.
On a more positive note I will be continuing with my international broddling later this week in Tenerife. I will probably scale Mt Teide before breakfast on the first day then I must complete a sell outbroddling lecture in the afternoon.
Should you wish to do any broddling when I’m away I suggest you lads could probably manage a 3 or 4 miler without me. If the apprentice section joins you then cut that to 1 or 2 miles at most, evading all public houses.
Broddle On
No 1 Broddler
A letter from Lead Broddle – circa February 2013
Hello and welcome to my first blog !
This informative mail is intended to keep you abreast of all the latest activity and objectives. On Thursday at precisely 10.47, myself and senior broddle laid down a challenging 10 miles  throughout Winterset and Ryhill village.
During the event we shared many opinions and discussed different Broddling styles.
It was soon noticed  how a smaller more nimble group could travel much quicker !
I would also like to draw to your attention the attached action shot ….. Just see how delighted Ron is, to finally get his hands on the amazing Trecking Pole. I quote “ IT’S BLOODY MARVELLOUS ADO”
Looking forward I have provisionally sanctioned a gentle broddle on March 23rd at 11am. Can you please confirm your availability.
And finally I would like to finish with some great news. Due to strong leadership several companies have expressed an interest in sponsorship. The biggest and best known being non other than Kellogg’s. They have identified our healthy pastime as the perfect fit for their health conscious brand. Initially they would like to take a few publicity shots of those of us who are more photogenic. This  may also include some product placement.
To show our gratitude the next broddle will be known as the “ Rice Krispy Challenge “ ….. I hope nobody has any objections (Joe, Please explain to Jez) !
Bye for now
Lead B

Fellow Broddlers,

It gives me great pleasure to bring this report to you as it contains some hearty news of a new member, but is also tinged with sadness as I also have to reflect on the attitude and behaviour of another fellow Broddler, one held in high esteem and a leading light in our organisation until 6. 13 yesterday evening. As a relative newcomer to the technological age and indeed to report writing I am unsure as to how to report this to you but here goes anyway, I will report on the epicbroddle first and the issues arising after.

To set the scene, I went to the Brown Cow and parked up, having passed Mr. Smallmouse and Terry Raddings outside the injured Mr.Bean’s house and awaited them at the car park entrance. By the time we had reached the Gazebo we had been joined by Alex, who I think should now be known as the Captain, seeing as he is in charge of the website. I must mention at this time  that as I passed the members outside Mr. Beans I thought how sprightly they looked, the relevance of which will become clear as we progress through the report. Once ensconced in the Gazebo a brief discussion took place to determine our route. At this time Mr. Smallmouse mentioned that he had injured his knee whilst carrying out Christine’s orders in the garden earlier. As founder of the broddle  I cordially welcomed Terry to our fold and wished him well on his first outing, which was extended to him by the other brethren present. At 6.03 the broddle commenced in the general direction of Lee Lane, general chit chat was offered back and forth, and a thought for absent members was offered by the founder as we passed by Mr. Bean’s regal residence (we knew he was in residence as the flag was flying at full mast). The group turned onto Lee Lane and sullied forth with great gusto, however at this stage it was noticed that Mr. Smallmouse had dropped off the pace (as is normal ) and one of the group thought he heard a mobile phone messaging signal. Within seconds Mr. Smallmouse cried out in anguish and announced that he was terminating hisbroddle immediately and returning home, read into that what you will brothers! Undeterred by the setback the resolute band carried on, down Tan House Lane pausing to discuss the merits of resin drives and out into open country. Terry stopped to take a photo of a local landmark, the 6 Arches viaduct, before following the route of the River Went towards Carr Bridge. After passing the time of day with Mr. and Mrs. Neil Storey we crossed the Went and followed the path out onto Doncaster Road. We then proceeded up Doncaster Rd to its junction with Royd Moor Lane turning right in the direction of the metropolis of Hemsworth. Approximately half way along the lane we picked up the public footpath where Terry took further photographs which took us down to Attwoods Farm, along the bridle path and joined Pontefract Rd. We then turned towards the roundabout on the by-pass before heading down the bridle way towards the turkey farms and Sally Walshes Dam. Halfway between the by-pass and the dam we stopped to watch some locals engaging in clay pigeon shooting before proceeding up the hill in the direction of Fitzwilliam Country Park (not to be confused with the hamlet of Fitzwilliam as the park is full of country whereas the hamlet is full of *****) Once on Dicky Sykes lane we turned left before turning right through the farmyard and out onto Brackenhill. A distance of over 7 miles had now been traversed and the brethren’s chat had become rather sporadic and tended to revolve around the virtues of the Brown Cow and the healing properties of it’s ales. A dash across Hessle Common  ensued until we reached the farm on the top of the hill where we marvelled at the view down towards St. Cuthbert’s church (more photographs) and beyond. Resolve strengthened by the knowledge of what lies before the troop marched on with vigour and concluded the broddle in the Brown Cow at 9.02 pm, having broddled our way over a distance in excess of 8.5 miles. Wearied by the journey the encumbent members each took turns to replenish each others vessels and discussing the merits of radox and sudocreme  before boding each farewell and returning home, in all probability to a heroes return, supper and drink on the table with family members hanging onto every word as we tell in great detail the goings on of tonights broddle.

Well, that concludes the broddle log so now onto the important events of the evening. Firstly, as Founder, And TheBroddle Activist Setting The Accepted Regulatory Demands (F.A.T.B.A.S.T.A.R.D.) I would like to congratulate Mr Terry Raddings on his inclusion to the fold. For his initial broddle he carried his stick with great aplomb, showing imagination and enthusiasm in his search of the hedgerows, leaving no carrier bag unturned! Whilst the quality of his stick is questionable he stick broddled with great fervour and I am sure he will prove to be a great acquisition to our merry throng. Well Done Terry!!!

Now to the unfortunate part, the whimpish behaviour of Mr. Smallmouse. Unbeknown to him, a member walked behind him on their way to the rendezvous before catching him up and there was no sign of a limp indeed he was striding out “ military fashion” in the words of the fellow broddler. During the afternoons communication between the Founder and the self appointed chief brod no mention was made to any injury or illness which would stop him taking part in last nights event. Indeed he was very bullish in his approach suggesting he was really up for it. Then there was the alleged sound of the mobile phone message immediately prior to the members sudden and surprise withdrawal, which indicates that pressure from external sources could have been asserted. The withdrawing member (I wish his father had deployed that method earlier) would not be moved in his decision to leave the broddle despite the encouragement and cajoling he received from the brothers present, again suggesting a hidden agenda. I cannot re-iterate enough my disappointment with the self appointed chief brods decision to withdraw especially as he was fully aware of the importance of showing solidarity and togetherness required when leading a new member on his first broddle. Remember one never gets a second chance to make a first impression. I don’t think he took our offer of joining sticks together in the need of making a stretcher seriously enough considering fellow brothers were willing to put their bodies on the line to help him get through. It is with a sad heart I have to report this incident to you all but I feel we all need to know the stamp of the man calling himself chief brod.

To infinity and beyond, Broddling Brethren,

Yours fondly,

Founder of the Broddle

Chief Broddle’s Letter – Dated 7th June 2013

Dear Broddling Brethren,
Once again the Flounder has emerged from the bracken. Unsuspecting members and supporters of our famous institution may be alarmed at his vitriolic outbursts, however, I can assure you that your chief will always perform his duties in an honourable and dignified manner. I relish his Autumn and Winter hibernation period when he retreats to his wing of Wankinson Manor. In a darkened room he can be found crouching in one corner , sweating profusely, the silence only broken by grunts and farts and the clatter, at five minute intervals, of beer cans thrown into his recycling bin.
A membership application has been received from a local youth, the implications of which require consideration by our group. Should this fresh faced youngster’s request be accepted by senior broddlers and he successfully completes his interview, I suggest that he be awarded the apprentice position.  Couzens could then be assigned to the assistant apprentice role.
Good news for Mr Raddings (part-time broddler). A fine replacement broddling stick has been acquired. A £2 valuation was agreed with a local purveyor at a recent motor vehicle storage compartment transaction zone. The specimen has been securely ensconced in my broddling stick cabinet and our legal department will be issuing a ‘compliance with legalities’ certificate forthwith. Do you request that I autograph your  new implement ?
Whilst on the subject of legal stickage, I would like to bring to your attention that a charitable local business entrepreneur has donated some magnificent raw material. Whittled correctly, these admirable sticks will be a prestigious addition to our arsenal. Very fine sticks have also been presented by the Brown Cow Broddling Boys. Intricate carvings and decorations gracefully adorn the gifts….well done !!! I see a bright broddling future here…… Assuming a possible surfeit of legal sticks I can announce that applications in writing will be accepted from members wishing to legally upgrade…… Couzens could ask Louis to complete his application.
Finally with a view to facilitating the Flounder’s frailties, could members communicate their broddlingday request a.s.a.p.
Beseeching you to broddle bountifully.
Chief Brod.
Response to Chief Brod’s letter from the Flounder dated June 2013:
Dear Smallmouse, lead broddle and brothers all,
It came as a great shock to read that there had taken place a broddle to which most members were not invited to attend, which goes against the friendly convivial way in which we run our fair and honest organisation. At first I thought I must contact “The Captain” to ascertain why broddlers all had not been afforded the opportunity to engage in the noble pursuit of broddling as is our agenda (which may I remind you all is to welcome and engage all broddlers as equals at all times and to make sure as far as is humanly possible that all brothers are, without exception, invited to each and everybroddle). However I have complete and utter faith in “The Captain” with regards such matters so I decided to pursue other avenues of investigation to find the cause of this serious breach of broddling etiquette. Initial quizzing of local dignitaries proved fruitless but using the sixth sense that all good broddlers have I continued my pursuit of the truth and late on Tuesday evening EUREKA!!!
Whilst attending the quiz at the Broddlers Rest (AKA Brown Cow) I engaged in conversation with other local people who furnished me with the information I had pursued with great vigour since finding out about the aforementioned illicitbroddle.
Although not quite “Ad Verbatum” I am sure that a conversation was held in the Brown Cow at approximately 3.00pm on last Sunday afternoon which went somewhere along the lines of,
Mr, Bean “Heyup Jooah, are wi gooin broddlin this week?”
Smallmouse “Aye, when’s best day fo thi?”
Mr. Bean “Any times alrate wi me am retired what does tha thinks best fo t’others?”
Lead broddle “one cannot do Wednesdays”
Smallmouse “Dunt worry al check wi Missus Smallmouse and if she sez its alrate will go Mundi, bugger t’others that work for a livin”
Lead broddle “Suits me old chap, would you like another drink?”
Smallmouse “Aye goo’on then,just one moor”
Lead broddle “Ron?”
Mr Bean “no ta, t’puddins l bi burnt, dunt forget to let t’others know abart t’broddle!”
Smallmouse “no probs pal al see to that. Si thi tomorrer.
And that is how I am led to believe the conversation ended, circa 3.05 pm and would have ended well if the other two had followed Mr. Bean out of the Cow. However,scroll forward to 8.00pm
Louis “ Dad can we go now I’m bored?”
Lead broddle “Not yet, Joe and I haven’t had enough yet!”
Louis “Well can I have 50p for the pool table?”
Lead broddle “No son practise controlling the white ball, no need to waste 50p on that. Fancy another sherbet Joe?”
Smallmouse “Last un then then tha can walk mi oome ar lass l’ kill mi wen shi sees takkin am in!”
The two protagonists were now well and truly intoxicated and had to be helped from the Cow by a friendly barsteward,
Indeed Smallmouses last words on leaving weref******g flying chairs as he fell over on his way out.
So to any other broddling brothers who didn’t receive an invite, Keep the faith “The Captain “ will be back in charge of communications this week and normality will return.
Follow in the footsteps of the founder and you will fear no evil!
The Founder
And another follow up directed at Joe The Toe

Mr Smallmouse,

I have noticed, as I am sure the other brothers have, a change in your attitude from yesterday morning to last night with reference to Lord Fauntelroy of Ramsdonia. Could this be that the over use of alcohol has occurred during that time which has obviously affected your rationale? For one who rides his white horse when claiming that there is no place for “the demon brew”, your words not mine, when all a weary broddler is doing is applying a relaxant to his tired limbs you are a fine exponent yourself of over stepping the limit. People in glass houses should not throw stones (or rice crispies) especially ones claiming to hold high office within our organisation. Might I be so bold as to suggest that you come out openly, embrace the fact that in moderation, a pint or two is a respected and time honoured part of the ancient order ofbroddling and I am sure then you will receive the respect of others within the movement, rather than trying to ram your bigoted views down the throats of the rest of us. We are all aware of your intolerance to ale and your inability to say no when your cup is obviously overflowing but none of us are infallible, so just lighten up and enjoy the broddle and the cool down like the rest of the broddling fraternity.

Broddle on Brothers,

Founder of the Broddle

A blast from the past! Some correspondence regarding our 2013 Christmas Broddle:

—— Original Message ——
Sent: Monday, 30 Dec, 2013 at 14:46
Subject: Xmas Broddle

The 2013 Xmas broddle turned out to be a ‘Christmas cracker’. A chilly breeze was unable to penetrate the atmospheric excitement that was readily unfolding as broddlers gathered at the village green. Winter sunshine bathed the scene in a heart warming glow as St Cuthbert’s bells announced mid-day. After instructions were given and costume adjustments made………… the broddle commenced.
Four canine and two dozen human participants paraded from the broddler’s gazebo, the majority resplendent in seasonal decoration.The majestic procession streamed along Pontefract Road where passing motorists gazed with envy and admiration. In an orderly manner, Senior broddlers guided the group, in accordance with broddling etiquette, down Lea Lane and along Tan House Lane . At the rear, Couzens and his mob could be heard wailing and shouting whilst throwing beer cans into the undergrowth. These unruly thugs were later to cause further concern as one of their party stumbled into mud with a drunken squelch in a field beyond Tan House Lane.
Respectable broddlers proceeded with gusto into a ferocious head wind through glorious countryside. Spirits were raised even higher as a glimpse of our first refreshment sanctuary appeared on the horizon.  Broddlers George and Louis were first to cross the threshold at Rogerthorpe Manor and promptly ‘downed’  half a gallon of Coca Cola and demolished two plates of chips in record time. Experienced broddlers ordered tea with Draughty Ron insisting on extra tea bags, not realising that the barmaid, who had previously suffered the wrath of Draughty, had already prepared the brew to a vicious strength.
With thirsts quenched and excitement still abounding, the broddle continued back to the Ackworth homelands. Couzens abandoned  his son at this stage, preferring to revel with his boozy crew. Unable to keep up with the pace and devoid of any broddling comradeship, the Couzens mob hailed a taxi to complete the next leg !!!
The weather held fine as we broddled towards Eat Hardwick and veered west to the Rustic Arms. Customers there were enthralled by the splendour of a broddling team in full festive force and many broddling questions and queries were duly responded to in a professional manner.
Twilight enveloped the scene in a magical fashion. Emerging from the Rustic Arms, our Christmas light show illuminated the darkness of the evening sky.  Long Lane had never before experienced such joyous scenes as the sparkling broddlers streamed towards their beloved Brown Cow.
Whilst Couzens and his followers slithered into another taxi to continue their boozy antics, a reception party was under preparation in order to welcomed the weary broddlers home. The group swept into the Brown Cow amid rapturous cheers and applause. Glasses were raised in honor of the absent Flounder followed by splendid pizza  which completed yet another successful broddle.
Many thanks to our guests whose contribution to the spectacle was much appreciated. The Ackworth broddlers wish you a very happy new year and look forward to seeing  you on our world famous Summer Solstice broddle.